Hurt

I know it has been a while since I last posted. Some care – Some Don’t. But most importantly, I have just been trying to get my brain and emotions back in check.

I am a mess today – I have to admit. And I feel a bit adrift. I found out yesterday that my cousin *** passed away from an accidental overdose. I just saw him back in April at his sister’s wedding in DC. He seemed to be on the mend and I told him he could reach out to me at any time, especially that I live so close. His dad apparently found him unresponsive & tried to administer CPR before the paramedics arrived after about 10 minutes. There will be no service, and seemingly no announcement, and it is killing me. They all just want to sweep it under the rug. But in addition, I saw on my HS alumni page that now *** (someone who I grew up with) passed away the other day from Ovarian cancer AND now today, my ex-BF (whom I refer to as Lloyd Dobbler) posted about his close friend who I was also close with, xxx, died last night in a house fire. I am so overwhelmed (not to mention a certain anniversary of a death of another close ex-BF this week). I feel like I need to be back home this weekend for some reason (maybe even selfishly for me), but I do not want to see or let my mom or family know because they are making things worse.

I obviously took the day off of work because my head was spinning. But then? I cooked. I baked. I read. I tried to sleep. I wanted to do anything I could to keep my mind occupied with anything but all of the loss. But nothing seemed to work. I even made a date with a guy for the first time in two years! Just for a drink. And the fact that he stood me up did NOT re-instill any confidence in friendship, love, or connections in general. It pretty much reinforced my thought that – my time has come and gone. I missed my chances, and I may just be, as Morrissey says, “Unloveable.”

I know this is not the comeback post you expected. Or the one you wanted. But, your girl here has always prided herself on honesty. And I hope that is why you are still reading. So – how I feel is how I am.

I guess I just need the advice of people who actually seem to care about me. Or, t the advice of strangers who aren’t out to hurt me. Thoughts and prayers, and please – good advice needed! Thanks in advance and also, thanks for allowing me to just dump my emotions.

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