No Question Is Obtuse

This question was submitted to me through my Tumblr account anonymously:

This question may seem obtuse but do “submissive” people in a relationship with someone who don’t identify as “Dom” ever feel guilty about not taking the lead? Does identifying as submissive, mean that you can’t reach climax unless treated that way? I only ask for possible insight into my own relationship which doesn’t have defined roles, but some players aren’t totally satisfied in the role they are forced to play.


 My answer, although maybe not what he/she wanted to hear, is as follows: 

Not for me, no. But I also am relatively new to D/s and still learning. I can definitely reach climax without being submissive to a Dominant person. I can even take the lead if I am in a sexual relationship with someone. I think that although there are similarities among submissives, there are also all of those differences, just like there are with mainstream sexual relationships.

I think the key in what you are looking to know is in your last sentence.
I only ask for possible insight into my own relationship which doesn’t have defined roles, but some players aren’t totally satisfied in the role they are forced to play.
Although there is a power exchange in and D/s relationship, no one is really “forced” most of the time into the role. I willingly submit and he willingly takes the control. If this is something that is not your partner’s cup of tea, then you need to talk about it. Maybe find a common ground that you both can be satisfied with. If this is something that is only exciting to one of you, and the other is unwilling (or unable) to be satisfied in such an exchange, you have to determine for yourself how important it is to you and if it is something that you want to continue with.
I am not sure if I completely answered your question, but I hope it helped. Since you stayed “anonymous”, I assume you don’t want to be public about this issue, but you can feel free to inbox me again, or even send me an email.
P.S. One of the blogs I love to read takes on a similar struggle in his relationship – you may want to check it out. Good Luck! 🙂 

What do you think my readers? Any additional insight? 🙂 

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6 Responses

  1. Anonymous says:

    Very few couples will actually ‘talk’ about their roles in their bedroom. It is easier to feel it out and find each other’s boundaries. Talking takes all the fun out of it…

  2. Anonymous says:

    Thank you for answering my question honestly. When I say “forced” it is more in the way that I feel like we wouldn’t be intimate unless I initiated it, therefore I am “forced” into the role of the person who 99% of the time initiates. My partner rarely denies my advances, but when you have been with someone for 15 years you know when they’d really rather not. We may be mismatch in ardor, there are few things I would ever wish to do than be in the process of pleasure. We aren’t old, but I know other people my age who are experiencing a decline in libido while mine is as high if not higher than it was 10 years ago and it is all for my partner. Their pleasure is my number 1 desire, and I feel that I’ve really failed when I fail to please. My partner says that they still enjoy sex without orgasm, but I can’t fathom how that is possible. Don’t take me wrong, I’m happy with our relationship in general and sexually, I just find it harder and harder to enjoy sex which is “taken” from someone who isn’t 100% in the mood but is “ok” with it. Sometimes I feel a “defined” sexual relationship would be less complicated, less stressful, and more enjoyable. I think the other anonymous poster has it right that few couples discuss their roles, but not that it would take the fun out of it.

  3. Sex In BMore says:

    I am really glad my response helped at least a little. I just think it is difficult to answer any question honestly with a generic response. Every relationship and sexual encounter is different. What works for one, does not always work for another.

    Also, I know that many couples do not talk about sex, but the ones that do – are definitely having a better sex life 🙂 Just sayin’

  4. Anonymous says:

    When Sex In BMore and I used to be neighbors we used to IM all the time about sex. It was easier that way. And when we got together it was amazing. So maybe try the indirect approach when talking about it and the true feelings will emerge.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Hey hon. You ever consider being led by a woman Dom? It’s a whole new experience. I may be taking on a new Sub as my current isn’t working out. You seem like you would be worth the time to train.

  6. Sex In BMore says:

    I haven’t considered that mainly because I am not lesbian or bisexual. I am flattered that you think I would be worth the time to train, but I guess I am unsure of how it would all work 🙂

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