Not So Quiet Saturday
Sorry I haven’t posted in a while, but I have been trying to gather my thoughts and really contemplate where to go next. Some of you know by now (and thank you to those of you who have reached out to me – you know who you are and your words help a lot) that I have been released from service. I am no longer a little girl to my Daddy (which also will be the last time I call him that here because I respect that as his wish). Opening myself up to this submissive side of who I am and learning to service someone really put me in touch with many emotions, some of which it seemed like I was feeling for the first time. Although I tried to keep my head clear and stay focused on service, I couldn’t stop myself from starting to want more of a personal relationship. He was very clear from the beginning, and always has been clear, that he was not interested in being my boyfriend – he was my teacher and mentor. However, we want what we want, and feelings, no matter how small or large, cannot always be wrangled and rationalized. So, he instructed me: no more assignments, no need to ask for permissions, and I am to wear my collar no longer. He apologized for possibly pushing me further than I was ready to go. I apologized for not being about to serve him the way he wanted. We left things amicably and we wished each other the best.
But that all leads me to this point. I now know that this is all really a part of who I am. This is a side of myself I never knew, or chose to subconsciously repress or ignore. He opened a door that I am not ready to close. Even though I know it can’t be him who leads me anymore, I still need to be led. I almost don’t know where to begin or what step I should be taking next.
I can’t say that it doesn’t hurt – it does. No one wants to have feelings for someone who doesn’t return those feelings. I didn’t mean to start to fall for him, but I also don’t regret a single thing we did together. So – here I am – recovering so to speak. The wind has been howling outside all day and I have been sitting here, catching up on reading, writing, listening to music, and drinking hot chai tea with my dog sleeping on my feet. Just trying to experience a little bit of comfort to regroup.