I’m going to dispel a major myth: Real Nice Guys Do Not Finish Last.
Being a “nice guy” is a good thing. I have rarely met a woman (nice or not) who has thought to herself, “You know what kind of guy I want? I want a guy who will cheat on me, lie to me, hurt me, and all around be an asshole.” That is not how it works. However, I’m here to remind people that being nice is not all it takes to find someone in the dating world. Lots of people try to put out the stereotype that being nice is boring. That is indeed sometimes hurting the nice people out there, painting them with a bad reputation. But being a nice person myself (and many people comment on how “nice” I am) I know no one has ever described me as boring.
There are a lot of things people look for in a potential mate, and being nice simply is just not the only factor. For example, myself? I’m definitely looking for a nice guy. One that is honest, respectful, supportive, and loyal. But, I’m also looking for a good chemistry, a guy who is more Dominant in the bedroom, a guy who is funny and smart, and finally, a guy who does not take himself too seriously. So, even for this nice girl (who is often told I’m too nice), being nice is simply not enough. I’m not rejecting nice guys because they are nice. I reject certain nice guys because they either don’t meet all my needs, or, honestly, they aren’t really a nice guy at all. Instead, they are what is now known as “Nice Guy™.”
Nice Guy™ – The “Self-Proclaimed Nice Guy”: Many of the self-described “nice guys” I’ve encountered in the dating world (both online and offline) are in fact NOT nice guys. These are the guys who use niceness as a facade. Rather they are guys who purely use nice gestures and nice comments to purposefully and passively please a women in order to get a relationship or sex. These guys only use nice actions in the beginning, but quickly, any smart female starts to see through the facade. The lack of true respect, perhaps some dishonesty, begins to rear its head and a worthy woman sees this and in turns stops the romantic banter. The idea here is that a guy believes (and I mean believes) that women should reward niceness with sex.
This is usually a symptom that is produced through the pick-up artist (PUA) culture. These boys believe that after being nice they are entitled to get their way and that a woman is required to just comply with their whims. Like that age old adage, “I bought you dinner, you owe me.” Guys who supposedly suffer from this nice guy syndrome will constantly complain about being put in the “friend zone.” As if being friends with a member of the opposite sex isn’t enough of a reward. That the only point to inter-sexual companionship is to get off sexually. They may not even realize that they are doing it, but women can quickly tell when they are.
How to tell if a guy falls into this category? Two major ways.
1. Every person who is pretending has a tell. You just need to pay attention. He may start talking about what a bitch his last girlfriend was (seriously, even if she was, not something you want to harp on with a new potential). He may make some flip comments that reek of anti-feminism. Whatever the case, if he is pretending, you will learn about it. Especially the longer he has to wait for a date or sex. He will grow impatient with his act and just want the results. Be alert.
2. Once you politely decline the advance, you won’t need to wait long for the anger & slut shaming to begin. I can’t even tell you the number of times a guy has gone from “You are so beautiful and I think you are the most amazing woman!” to “You are a stuck-up bitch and not worth my time. You don’t know what you are missing. You are a fucking slut anyway.” in about 30 seconds after a polite no. A TRUE nice guy does not act like that. A nice guy will not believe he is entitled to get what he believes he deserves regardless of your feelings.
Sadly, these Nice Guy™ types are just another product of the patriarchal thinking and misogynistic ideas that still permeate our society. Women to them are objects that should be coveted and prizes to be won. A true nice guy does not believe this. A true nice guy will respect women as equal and appreciate the give and take in a relationship. He will make kind gestures that are genuine, not expecting a reward for his behavior. He will expect you to be just as respectful in return and appreciate you for your own choices. A true nice guy values women as friends as well as lovers.
Try to be THAT guy, please?
Here is your quick guide to tell if you are truly a Nice Guy or a Nice Guy™: