I fully intended to write last week, but then, as my friends who follow me on Twitter know, I was stricken with what I dubbed the “creeping sleeping fever death illness” that put me out of commission for about a week. Thanks to the many of you (you know who you are) for the well wishes and checking in on me. I am happy to report I am on the mend and back to attempting to function once again. But, truthfully, I am glad that I didn’t write last week because a comment on my previous post got me thinking a little more. The comment was that I have a long way to go to be a full submissive. I completely agree that I still have a lot to learn as I really haven’t had much experience in this realm I am exploring now. However, I also think that there are many types of submissives and it all can’t come down to right or wrong. What is right for some sexually is not what others may like or prefer. That is one of the parts of this journey that I have found so appealing. So, it made me start to think – if I had to categorize myself, what type of submissive am I?
I have said it before, and I believe it still stands true: I am meant to serve and it is inherent in my nature to be submissive sexually. I know that I enjoy pleasing a Dominant male. I love sexually exploring the concepts of being tied up, being blindfolded, being spanked, being told what to do sexually, talking dirty, etc. I get fully aroused when I know that something I am doing to “him” puts “him” over the edge with excitement that he can’t help but just ravish me completely and have his way with me. Nothing to be can be better sometimes than being on my knees in front of a man, sucking his fully hard cock, looking up at “him” as he looks down at me, admiring his work in making me take every inch of “him” deep into my mouth and throat.
I love the anticipation of being on all fours, hearing “him” behind me, and not knowing what is coming next. Will he spank me? If so, will it just be his hand? Or will it be the belt – MY belt – the one he only wears when he is going to see me and that mine is the only ass he spanks with it? Will it be the swift cane, like the one I only first experienced the last time I was with Daddy J? Or will it be something new – another implement I am not yet aware of and that he did not tell me about?
Although I am a strong and independent woman in my day-to-day existence, I love the idea that sexually I am NOT the one in charge for once – that I am being led and taken to only please “him” and only then may I possibly be rewarded. I get excited just thinking that when I am with “him” in this dynamic that my orgasms do not belong to me and that any pleasure I receive is only for his enjoyment and at his discretion.
But I also know that, as of right now, there are things I do not want as well. I am not aroused by public humiliation, being demeaned, or extreme pain. I am not looking for a 24/7 power exchange situation. I do not want to be someone’s “slave”. Don’t get me wrong – if that is something that excites you, more power to you and I think it is great, I just know that it isn’t for me. I am happy to finally be exploring my true inner desires and needs. I also know that, right now, I am still not fully aware of what kind of submissive I am. I just know that I am a submissive and I am growing more and more comfortable each day accepting myself for who I am.